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Let’s make the Olympics fun again

08.30.2004

The following is my first official opinion column for the Western Herald. The online edition hasn't been updated yet is here; here it is in its unedited form:

I missed most of the Olympics hoopla. Honestly, I pretty much forgot they were even happening this year until I walked into Shakespeare’s Pub two Sundays ago for trivia night with my friends. In between rounds of questions, my eyes drifted across images of women’s (or is it “pre-teen girl”?) gymnastics and men’s swimming. I suppose I should’ve been interested. Or something.

But, truth be told, I just can’t bring myself to care. It’s not that I’m anti sports. I regularly check in on the World Cup with a near-religious devotion. But, then again, we are talking about “the beautiful game”, aren’t we? Whereas watching the World Cup is fun, watching the Olympics is just mind numbing.

Don’t get me wrong; I’ve nothing against the athletes who compete in the games. I’m sure they’re extremely devoted to their sport, spending long hours training day in, day out. Though I don’t understand why professional athletes can compete in some sports (say, basketball) but not in others. My dislike of the Olympics also isn’t because the structure is so clearly Eurocentric. After all, how do Winter Olympics even pretend to be unbiased against African, South American, and Middle Eastern countries? But let’s keep our focus on the Summer Olympics, shall we?

The real problem with the Olympics is that it’s just not fun. Wasn’t the event designed as a celebration of sports as an element of cultural life? A chance for different peoples to get together and see they’re not quite so different after all? And, no, I don’t want to sound like that insipid Kofi Annan spot that rants about how his favorite point in the Olympics is before they start, when no one’s a winner, when everyone’s equal. Please. This is the Olympics, not the Special Olympics.

What I mean is this: I want an Olympics that’s fun, but without hype. I don’t want extreme sports. I don’t want crazy spectacle. I don’t want to-the-death gladiator matches (or do I?). All I want is something more fun to watch, something to keep me smiling every four years, something that makes me want to go out and have my own little Summer Olympics with my friends.

Thus, I propose a few new events for the Olympics:

Roller Skating. No, I don’t mean inline skates to just have a summer version of ice skating races. I mean the real, honest-to-goodness, original 2-by-2 roller skates. There should be straight speed races, relay races around a track, even dancing on roller skates – complete with a disco ball and Def Leppard’s “Pour Some Sugar On Me” blasting from speakers. Just like when I was in fifth grade.
Slip and slide. This is the Summer Olympics. There should be more sprinkler-related events. I want judges discussing the quality of a Rumanian competitor’s three-point belly flop across a long piece of green plastic.

Kickball. Contrary to popular belief, this is not just a children’s sport. Some of us still remember just how much fun kicking a red rubber ball can be. And this sport deftly combines the skills from soccer (kicking a ball), baseball (standing around in the outfield), and track and field (running).

Four Square. If ping pong (let’s not pretentiously call it “table tennis”, shall we?) is an Olympic sport, then so should four square. The Olympic Committee can decide whether or not to allow double taps.

Paddleboat Racing. This is clearly a summer sport. If you allow races with kayaks or (shudder) those oh-so-very Harvard sculling boats, then why not paddleboats? It’s just as physically demanding. Plus, the paddleboat has more surface area to decorate with nationalist symbols and propaganda. Not to mention the nifty little cooler for beverages.

Frisbee Golf. I want to be clear about this: I am not endorsing ultimate Frisbee; I’m endorsing Frisbee golf. I certainly don’t see why Frisbee golf shouldn’t be in the Olympics. It’s clearly a summer sport. Who wouldn’t want to watch the world’s best champion Frisbee throwers, before going out all afternoon with a group of buddies to play a round. “I get to be Barry Schultz!” (Barry Schultz, by the way, won the professional Frisbee golf championship this year.)

Olympic Dancing. No, I don’t mean ballroom dancing. I mean straight up, too-much-booty-in-your-pants, dancing. Let’s not kid ourselves: You go to clubs, watch the people dance, and rate them according to grace, endurance, and how challenging their moves are. Right? I’m just proposing the next logical step: team competitive dancing. After all, I’d rather watch 30 minutes of Soul Train than a group of anorexic 13-year-olds strut around in leotards. Plus, I might learn some hot dance moves from the Slovenian team.

And that’s my simple set of suggestions for making the Olympics more fun to watch. After all, it’s hard to build up national excitement over the fencing or synchronized swimming teams. And while I appreciate that every few years the people in charge of the Olympics add some new sport, it’s obvious they’re more behind the curve on sports than the Grammy’s is on music.

Oh, and one more thing. Am I the only one who thinks the cannonball should be included in the Olympic diving events?

Posted by Miguel at 08:03 PM

Comments

Posted by: Sara at August 31, 2004 10:54 AM

Posted by: Miguel at August 31, 2004 11:09 AM

Posted by: josh at August 31, 2004 02:05 PM

Posted by: Sara at August 31, 2004 07:32 PM